THE FOURTHish

I feel like it has been awhile since I have written more than two sentences on here, even longer has it been that I'm sharing something I've been chewing on. It's a little of this and a little of that.
It was my fourth FOURTH of July with Jeffrey. Each year we've been together doing a mixture of waking up, grilling, watching fireworks, & shooting off fireworks. So yesterday was a pretty typical fourth but with more family, more memories. And I FINALLY made these shorts^^. I've been thinking about them forEVER. Putting thoughts into action, folks.

So far this summer I have had a terrible relationship with my camera. I pick her up every once in a while. I snap a few photos. I set her down, and pick her up a week later. THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO LIVE. Photography is my passion. The one thing I have to show for my hours of time spent dreaming of mastering a camera. It's really the reason this blog exists. In between the short stories and quick updates and the little DIYs I love sharing snippets of life. It makes me better. It documents my life. It helps me share with humans who I would otherwise never get to share with. So when I'm not picking up my camera, this place barely has a purpose. And that causes an extreme anxiety in me because I'm letting two things I really love slip between the cracks of working most of the week and spending time preparing to get out of here. And I feel like I'm here a lot. And I don't want to be, and I need a change. I need my creativity to take the wheel again and let everything else fall behind. I mean I have exciting things going on right now. I could be sharing between breaths. I'm having thoughts on top of thoughts lately. I could be sharing those too. I need to be sharing thoughts about how the GOD DAMN DIRECTION OF MY BLOG still stresses me out. (Why! Why is that an issue! It's like a blogger-created anxiety that doesn't really exist.)

This post isn't about that, though. It's just about talking about the lack of that and the lack of everything and sharing that hey guys, I'm about to be an "art student" and it's freaking me out everyday to the point that I am scared of even doing anything creative because I will tell myself how much it sucks. It's a battle between to parts of me- one that is dying to get my hands doing something, and the other that would really rather work or run from the issue. Because what if nothing is there? What If I put my pen to my pad and all I can doodle are naked women. And fruits and stick figures. I have SO MUCH I want to accomplish. A stack of books sits in my corner waiting. Sewing projects pile up to my right. Fresh journal and sketchpads are staring me in the face and all I do is avoid it all.
I guess I'm on a journey to figure out how to just DO. Finding motivation, purpose. It's one of those self-anxiety things that shouldn't exist, but I'm making it. I will fall into my groove. I just have to find it first. So that's where I am lately and my brain isn't always on this self-destructive slur of thoughts. It comes and goes in little waves as I choose television over a book.
BUT. Fourth of July was a great break and I snapped a very few photos of the people that made it that way. So to wrap this serious rant up, I will share.



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